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Do you choose power over love?

If you think you are a person who doesn’t thrive on power, think again. From the earliest moment of our life we learned to exert our power to survive. We cried when we were hungry, we learned to say “no” when we were only two and developed personality traits to adapt to our family and society. When it comes to finding love, you may often feel powerless. The more insecure you may feel, the more power you exert in relationships.

Power is a tool of the ego to protect you and keep you from mortal danger. Since we don’t have to face much physical danger anymore, the modern person is often faced with protecting something he or she feels is more of a threat – their reputation. The biggest fear for someone isn’t death but to face rejection. That is why most people would rather be in the casket that giving the eulogy at the funeral.

This desire to protect and preserve the ego is the wielding of our power. In relationships, there is a deep, unconscious urge to maintain that power for survival, no matter how ridiculous the consequences or how lonely we feel. This power play has destroyed many relationships and often keeps people from entering a healthy one. The need to be in control overrides the desires for love and connection.

The reason you don’t have the relationship you want is because your current relationship (or current lack of a partner) is what your ego thinks will maintain your power. When there is a need to exert your power, there is no energy left to give love.

True love is the ultimate submission, allowing someone into your heart – truly getting to know you intimately. Don’t confuse this with feelings of infatuation over someone you cannot have. True love is felt when two people merge together. The ego finds this merging the biggest threat to its existence and will feed you stories to keep you from knowing the truth about its tricky deception. The ego doesn’t want a true, intimate relationship, it wants power.

Does that mean you are doomed to be alone or unhappy in relationships? No, everyone can move beyond the walls put up by the ego to connect with real love. The key to consciously creating the loving relationship you desire is to look at how you are protecting yourself from letting someone get close to you.

Rumi said, “It is not our task to seek for love, but merely seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have put up against it.” He wasn’t referring to “blocks or wounds” from our past, but a natural tendency for the human ego to protect itself because the ego is unaware of its divine nature.

Here are signs that your ego is choosing power over love:
• You feel repulsed when someone comes on too strong or moves too fast in relationships because it feels they are robbing you of your power.
• You have difficulty communicating boundaries so you exert your power by avoidance.
• You always seem to want someone you cannot have and distract yourself by pursuing this person rather than someone who is available for love to maintain control.
• You have a difficult time trusting others or yourself in romantic relationships because the ego thinks skepticism is power.
• You over-please others to control their feelings about you. If you can maintain a good reputation, you maintain your power.
• You act like a victim or martyr to gain sympathy and power.
• You find something wrong with everyone you meet or date to avoid the continuation of a deeper connection and loss of power.
• You aren’t open to feedback or allowing yourself to be supported by others and prefer the power of independence.

How to Choose Love and Real Power
You don’t have to give up power to be in love, you just have to connect to the power of your higher self rather than the ego. Within this divine part of you lies true power that can never be broken or harmed in any way.

When you enter a relationship connected to your true self, you will be more naturally confident and open and drawn to someone who matches your open, powerful heart. You won’t run away when they pursue you so that you can truly enjoy the closeness and intimacy that your true self deserves.

2 Comments
  • Imad
    Posted at 16:32h, 27 March Reply

    So how do I assure my ego that he is ok and I will not abandon him and how to connect with my true self. I have been repeating the same pattern many times and now I have regrets about not commiting to some of the women I met in the past. and it is hurtful, I know I had deep wounds in the past but how can those be healed. Counselling did not help as many counsellers are inept and just have you come back and talk which does not do much for me. One has to know his demon before it can be exorcised..

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 18:05h, 28 March Reply

      First of all, we don’t think of anyone needing healed or having wounds. There is only suppressed energy that the ego judges as bad. I recommend taking our first course, Limitless Life, to help you see a more empowering philosophy that is creative. The process of moving from ego-centered to your true self cannot be answered in one quick phrase. It is a process. I invite you to explore it with us. There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to become aware of your true self.

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