Are you a victim of love?

Have you ever met someone who blamed everyone else for their life’s problems? They complain a lot, they are never satisfied and never wrong about the terrible people in the world. This victim role is often played in relationships, not as a weakness but as a clever defense.

No matter what you went through in life, everyone had a moment (or more) of feeling powerless and taken advantage of, not loved or supported by the people around them. Everyone has had an experience of feeling like a victim.

For some people, they gather their inner resources and refuse to give others power to control their destiny. For others, being a victim is a convenient excuse to not take responsibility for their life. So invested in being right, they play out the role in every relationship and wonder why they never work out.

The reason a victim has a hard time changing is because the one thing that will make the world change for them is to look inward. The victim doesn’t look inward but projects the cause of his or her pain on to others, not realizing that they are writing the script of the story.

The pattern is so powerful because it is really painful for a victim to see him/herself as wrong.

Whatever happened in that initial moment when they were first disappointed by the outside world, they made up an assumption about what the event meant. That assumption “maybe I am just not good” or “maybe I deserve bad things” stays deep in their unconscious. The ego would rather believe the others are wrong instead of thinking they are wrong.

The truth is that there is no right or wrong. Sure, bad things happen in life. When people do so-called harmful things to you, they are acting out of ignorance. The mistake here is the hidden story the ego makes up about the situation – that these bad things happened to me because something is wrong with me.

The reason it happened is not personal, we live in a world where people are not in touch with their own divinity so they act out of ignorance.

If unexamined, the victim will create situations to confirm their victim-hood. They will place high (sometimes impossible) demands on people to find a reason to be let down and play out the story again. If you have ever been in a relationship with one, they are like a bucket with holes in it, always demanding more water but the water keeps leaking out and they blame it on you.

A victim in dating will project a high-expectation on people with very little room for mistakes. When the person doesn’t live up to the standards of calling when the victim thought they should, saying what the victim wanted them to say, or acting like the victim wanted them to act, the victim takes it extremely personal and creates drama to push the person away or just avoids confrontation and runs. You cannot rationalize with the victim because they have to see you as the bad guy to avoid being the one who is wrong. Most of the time they aren’t even conscious they are doing this. The ego is acting on autopilot.

I was a victim for years. I told myself that men were all non-committal jerks, my father wasn’t giving me enough attention or love, my bosses were never appreciative, and my friends weren’t loyal…none of this was true!

It was so uncomfortable for me to look inside that I had to project the problems in my life on others. The pattern remained until I realized the role I was playing in all of my relationships. I took off my victim sunglasses and saw that I was the one who was avoiding intimacy with men and connection with my father. I saw that my job wasn’t satisfying and maybe I wasn’t doing such a great job at it anyway. My friends loved me more than I realized.

The victim role is like armor. It protects your ego from being wrong, but the price you pay is that you are constantly pushing people away from you. To humble yourself and admit that you misread the situation takes courage. The ego would rather be right and make the other person wrong.

When I approached my Dad and told him how I was to blame for not getting closer to him and my fear made me guarded around him.  It was extremely hard to say to the father who never discussed his feelings with me. The stoic 6’4” German responded, “I am scared too.” In less than a minute, I was no longer a victim, he was no longer the bad guy. We were both just human beings trying to do our best.

It was liberating.

Look at your life. Where do you blame your limitations on others? Where do you make others wrong so you can be right? Then ask yourself how has defending your need to be right impacted all of your relationships? What is so scary about admitting a mistake?

Just by turning inward, the victim has nowhere to hide. She stops projecting and reclaims her power to create the life she wants.

  • Elece
    Posted at 09:22h, 03 July Reply

    What about when your father is abusive to you and singles you out from the rest of your siblings? I have distanced myself from him to protect myself now! How can I overcome this father wound? And accept love in my life?

  • Debi Berndt
    Posted at 09:39h, 03 July Reply

    Examine the underlying assumption (story) that you made up about yourself because of that experience that keeps running your life. Your father took the action, but you are the one who created the story about it that is affecting you. You have the power to change the story and change your life. Your story is more powerful than what your father actually did. So the power is within you.

  • Kalyra
    Posted at 21:15h, 06 July Reply

    Marvelous writing, Debi! I can see that I have a similar thing going on with my mother (about fear and guardedness): my fear of not saying the right thing, not being understood, being criticized and rejected led to my criticizing and rejecting my mom (my mom’s negative law of attraction in action? but then it became mine, too!). But what happened next? Did you ever manage to fully repair that relationship with your dad? I’ve lost confidence that the relationship is reparable (like I’d have to be a glutton for punishment to share what’s going on in my life), so I tend to avoid it entirely. Perhaps it just takes confidence that if the relationship were renewed, I would now have the tools to handle any negativity without taking it personally?

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 09:41h, 07 July Reply

      You are both projecting your shadow on each other. If you do the shadow work, you will see a different mother. You may or may not have the “ideal relationship” but you won’t be making stories up about what she said means about you. I got closer to my father by seeing him as a possibility of something different, I stop projecting my shadow onto him.

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