Are you using your spiritual work as a means to find a partner?

From my early twenties I was on a personal mission to find my man, which lead me on a spiritual quest to find my answers in life. I was on the right track until I turned my spiritual work into a means to an end – I kept thinking that the finish line was finding a man, not God or truth.

If you have been searching for true love for a while, you have probably been discovering different spiritual techniques or processes to help you along the way. If you were like me, you may be waiting for the man (or woman) to finally show up so you can stop doing all this healing work on yourself. The spiritual process is serving as only a method to get a man and then you can go back to the “real world.”

I got lost in the popular message in the self-help world that in order to have material things like love or money, I had to clear my energy and heal my childhood wounds. I was using spiritual work as a drug to fix my symptoms of heartache in order to have a normal human life. The problem is that the message of being wounded only kept me stuck and yearning for the time when I would be good enough for love.

Yes, I got lost in the hoopla of the law of attraction when I first learned about it. I was putting making money or finding a partner as the goal instead of my own personal and spiritual growth. My ego had hi-jacked my spiritual life and made it into a means to a material end. If I didn’t have success with relationships or money, then I was failing spiritually. The pressure was to be more spiritual so I can find my man. I had it all backwards.

The truth is that you can never fail spiritually. If your goal is growth, you always win no matter what results you get in the outer world. When you put finding a partner above yourself and God (universe/collective consciousness), you are operating from ego. The whole idea of spiritual work is to move beyond the material and see that inside of you is where the power lies. If the goal is finding a man instead of finding God/Divine inside, you are totally missing the point of spiritual enlightenment.

The basic teaching in most spiritual traditions is that the external is temporary and not the source of your happiness. If you are doing your spiritual practice but still relying on something outside to make you happy, you are not aligned with spiritual principles, you are aligned with your ego.

Your ego will pressure you to rush through the lessons and processes and skip over the gold in the growth. Your ego doesn’t want you to be truly spiritual because it thrives on you projecting outward instead looking inside for peace. The ego is smart so it created spiritual materialism to trick you into focusing on the external (partner, money, body), not the real gold inside so it can survive.

When I discovered that I was doing this to myself, I quickly changed my goal from finding a husband to finding enlightenment. Of course, I didn’t let go of my desire for love and abundance, I just put them in the right priority. When I shifted my focus on using my material desires to master my spiritual practice instead of using my spirituality to get material things, I found Robert and financial success. It was so much easier to focus on spirit first!

If you really want to find love above all else, your ego will place the outside world as bigger than you. You will put the people you date on pedestals and wait for them to choose you, forgetting the divine inside of you. Then, if the only time to reach out for spiritual support is when things go bad, you are still putting the divine in you below everything else out there.

For those of you who struggle with money, the same rule applies. You focus on the money being greater than you. If you believe you are an unlimited, divine being, then you are bigger than money. Knowing you have the power to call in any amount you want at any time, you lose the fear and attachment over money. It is merely pieces of paper or numbers on a computer screen. It is very useful, but not more powerful than you.

You don’t have to give up your search for love or desire for wealth in order to live a spiritual life. Quite frankly, it is your spiritual duty to enjoy all the pleasures of the world as long as it doesn’t cause harm to others. You can use your human desires to discover the truth inside of you, instead of using your spiritual life to get material things.

If you put your spiritual life as the goal you can never lose. You always grow and learn and become more conscious of your divine self. It is the divine that doesn’t need anything but just wants to create. The divine in you wants you to have love and wealth more than you want to receive it.

The purpose of having relationships with other people is to know ourselves, not to fill a void. Instead of approaching finding love when you are “poor in spirit,” be rich in your true divine nature and attract someone worthy of wonderful you.




  • Marketa
    Posted at 01:33h, 19 May Reply

    Thank you, thank you for this article, it´s exactly what I really to hear right now.

  • Karina
    Posted at 11:31h, 20 May Reply

    Thank you Debi, this knowledge has helped me to discover more about myself and the life around me. I just have listened the last call about the ‘Inner Adam’. This morning when I woke up I realized that I dreamt about men of my past experiences I assume my ‘Inner Adam’ has showed me up these images in order to change the pattern but I don’t know exactly how and how could this be related to the romantic partner that I would to connect?
    I will appreciate your answer,

    Have a wonderful day!

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 11:59h, 20 May Reply

      Hi Karina, Changing your Inner Adam is a process. You first have to do the shadow work. It doesn’t have to take long. My customer service department is contacting you to send you info on talking to our lead coach to better answer your question. Thanks for your comment. Love, Deb

  • Wafaa
    Posted at 08:20h, 27 May Reply

    Well said!

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