21 Jun Are you waiting for your love life to change?
I used to believe that when the time was right, my true love would show up. I didn’t believe I had power to change my destiny. I waited throughout my twenties for my lucky love day and then another decade into my thirties. I kept waiting but nothing was changing until I turned 40.
I finally realized that I couldn’t wait anymore. I had to stop pretending to work on myself, do just enough reading and continue to wait for the external to change. It was around that time I learned about the unconscious mind and how the outer world was reflecting back what was inside. The change I was waiting for was in me.
For years, I avoided facing certain emotions, going deeper into a process because I was afraid of getting lost in them. I fooled myself in thinking I didn’t have to do as much as others because I didn’t have any abuse or trauma in my life to heal. I just needed a little tweaking and I’d be good. My ego did a good job of keeping me in the status quo and telling me that I didn’t need to go there and made me stop if things got a little too uncomfortable.
I found it comforting to believe that I could just ask my angels or healing practitioners to remove the so-called bad energy as I was told I had. I just had to sit back and let the healers and benevolent beings do all the heavy lifting. This helped me avoid facing anything uncomfortable, like anesthesia when you get surgery. Easy peasy, magic!
My surface spiritual practice was easy to just visualize about being in love and fun to put a vision board together. I loved the fun stuff, the rituals, lighting candles, going on spiritual weekends that were more about manifesting things but not really working on the inside. There was a lot of magical thinking without any substance.
I reached a point where I couldn’t dance around my uncomfortable emotions anymore. I had to do more than just hope and pray to my angels to bring me a man. I had to really face that hidden part that I kept from myself and others. This part was something I thought was so horrendous and unappealing that I kept it even from my own conscious self. For years, I didn’t know what it was and didn’t want to know. I just wanted to find a man so I didn’t have to deal with it.
What I was really doing to myself was unconsciously avoiding change. My fear of intimacy was so strong that it made logical sense to put off going deep. I kept attracting surface men that were comfortably distant who didn’t challenge my fear of emotional intimacy. The men I met matched my own inner dynamics. Waiting for the right man wouldn’t change anything until I changed first.
The amazing thing that happened to me was that I was given an opportunity to face my shadow self. I was actually relieved. I saw clearly how my mind was defending my deep, soulful tenderness. I thought was going to find something horrible, but what I found was love, liberation and freedom of being my true self. It took courage, but it was totally worth it.
For years, my ego had been protecting this soft, vulnerable part of me and made me emotionally unavailable. So, I attracted men who were emotionally unavailable and projected that on them, not realizing that I was the one who couldn’t really open up and share myself. I was scared. When I realized this, I then had empathy for all those Casanova’s who ran when things got serious. I knew they were just scared like me.
The biggest piece is that I realized that I wasn’t broken or had negative energy. My issue with dating was not because I wasn’t following the rules or playing the game, but fear of letting someone into my heart. This fear is something universal that every human being shares to some extent. This is not pathological, it is normal. That is why people have a hard time finding true, lasting love.
We are all have our natural defenses and they cannot be altered by having the right person come in to save you from them. To find love, you must let down the walls you have built against love like the famous poet, Rumi says. The walls aren’t wounds or negative energy, they are just how your ego mind works to help you survive. They served a purpose earlier in your life and the point of personal development is to outgrow them so you can have new experiences.
So, if you have been doing just enough, dancing around something that you know you are avoiding, trying to skip over the uncomfortable feelings and challenges, then you are just going to be re-arranging the furniture. The surface may feel a little more positive when you visualize your ideal partner in the morning, but the unconscious hasn’t changed. You will still continue to attract the same pattern because how you are working within yourself is how all of your relationships will play out.
Of course there is power in visualizations, rituals and working with your energy, but you can’t just do the easy stuff . So, instead of waiting for things to change, look at what you have been avoiding. What are you scared of doing? Some people find it scary just to attend a workshop or hire a coach. Others take courses and hire coaches but they aren’t committed to fully engaging in the process. Are you only trying to intellectualize things without feeling? Go toward what feels uncomfortable for you and you will be given the opportunity like I had to face what you need to face in order to find love. The most important element to this transformation is to realize that YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and there is nothing to heal.
The scarier part is where you are now because you have given power to the external world to change things for you. Don’t wait twenty years like I did. Take your power back. You have the courage to face any uncomfortable emotion. You have the higher self divinely guiding you so there is no need to fear. On the other side of the fear is amazing love!