Ok, so many dating tips out there will tell you what you did wrong on a date and the deadly mistakes that keep you single. Don’t be too fat but don’t be too skinny. Don’t be too rich but don’t be too poor. Don’t talk about your job, but do talk about your career. Be interesting, wait, be interested. No, act cool. Enough of that already. The real reason you don’t have the love you want isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted him after the date to thank him. It isn’t because you slept with him too soon. Truth. You picked someone who would leave you before you even went out. Before you even spoke to this person, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartache. There is an unconscious part of you that draws you to particular people who match something that triggers a familiar feeling. You think it is chemistry when the fireworks go off but what is actually happening is that your inner drama girl is having a field day.  She is bored with the nice guys and craves the attention from the man who acts disinterested. Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone nice and that could very well be true. If they don’t change their mate selection mechanism, they will unconsciously go to the same heartache every time. Ignoring the obvious red flags, they believe this time it will be different, but nothing changes. To key to having true love is to discover this mechanism in your subconscious (we call it your Inner Adam or Eve) that fits like a puzzle piece with potential partners. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight or your personality, you just need to shift your piece of the puzzle.

You say you will never go back to him or that you just won’t accept that last minute invitation again from him. You want to tell him its over or tell him you like him but the words just won’t leave your lips. Something inside of you stirs and you stop. You have boundaries that you wouldn’t dare cross with others, but somehow you let them step all over you. You tolerate behavior because you don’t want to be alone, but you know deep in your heart what you need to do. You just can’t leave. You stop. You see someone in a public place that is attractive. You notice no wedding ring and he’s looking at you and smiling. You want to smile back and walk over to say something but you just can’t move your feet or smile back. You justify your staying put because HE should be the one to approach you. Then, he walks out. You wonder why you stopped. The comfort zone you created for yourself has kept you safe and worked for your current life situation. You have survived and thrived in some ways but you want more. You want a greater love relationship than your friends. You want a raise or a career that makes you happy. You make promises that this year everything is going to change for you, but it doesn’t. What makes you stop? Love or anything new in your life is on the other side of fear. You hit a wall, a habitual limitation that shows up and your mind warns you not to cross that line. Your ego wants you to stay comfortable so it talks you out of anything risky, new or adventurous. You feel the desire, but this part of you makes you stop every time.

You may think that being single can be the most uncomfortable position to be in life (well, next to childbirth). Having to date, getting to know strangers, wondering if they are going to call and even finding a date for your best friend’s wedding can be challenging. However, this single experience is a slight discomfort compared to courage it takes to open your heart to true love. I hear people tell me all the time about how committed they are to finding love, but their actions clearly do not match up to what they say. They want to date but have tons of excuses as to why they shouldn’t date online or how there are no places to meet men. Instead, they would rather complain about their situation and remain powerless to fate. The only reason you are single is because you tolerate it. You tolerate it because there is something you fear greater than being alone. Until you find out what that is, it will direct your love life and the ego will keep sending you those lovely non-committal men to keep you distracted. True commitment is about doing whatever it takes, regardless of how uncomfortable it may feel. Comfort and change do not co-exist in the same space. The willingness to move through that discomfort is in direct proportion of your level of commitment.