When you aren’t getting the results you want in love, the tendency is to focus on what is wrong. You may have been told that you need to work on your “blocks” so you can find love, but this approach actually works against you. You will get caught up in a never-ending cycle of fixing and go down a rabbit hole of despair feeling you are never going to “get it.” By looking at yourself as broken or wrong, your mind expands and magnifies what you focus on. Just like when you are looking to buy a new car and find one you like, all of a sudden you start to see that car everywhere on the road. That is why you feel so exhausted in self-help, you keep focusing on what you don’t want. You are a creative being and your mind can either work with you or against you depending on where you focus it. I am not saying that there isn’t something inside that is stopping you from finding love, but let’s stop calling them blocks. Every human being was born into an insecure world and created a safety-zone for their emotional state to help them survive in the world. This process is the function of a normal, healthy mind, not a block or pathology. As a society, we’ve been trained not to get too close, not trust the opposite sex and to feel as though life is tough and hard, filled with problems and struggle. Everyone has shut off the heart to some degree just by being alive. Of course, you can have surface relationships in this state and that is why relationships fail so easily and the divorce rate is over 60%.

There was a time when I had dreams but had no idea how to make them a reality. I dreamed of finding a true love and doing something meaningful as a career.  I encountered so many obstacles along the way but I kept moving and hoping that things would turn out. Not because I was so sure that they would, but because I couldn’t stand the thought of retreating back to die an unfulfilled life. I wanted to teach about love and personal development. I wanted to write a book on finding love by accessing the subconscious mind, be interviewed as an expert on television and lead workshops around the world. I also wanted to find my own true love but past experience never gave me a hint of hope that it would ever happen. No matter the odds, I kept moving. I remember once when I was at a women’s networking event and I shared my dreams of being a relationship expert. The woman across from me shouted to the rest of the group, “Look at her, she wants to be a relationship expert and she’s not even in a relationship! Isn’t that funny?”  Yes, they all had a good laugh on my account. But, that didn’t stop me. They told me that I didn’t have a Ph.D. so forget about getting a book deal. They told me I couldn’t get interviewed on television because I didn’t have the right credentials or didn’t have the right look. They told me that I wouldn’t find a great guy because after all I was forty and I just needed to settle for good enough. I didn’t listen to them and continued toward my goals.

One thing that I know for sure is that we were born with the power of choice. Most people don’t realize that everything in life is a choice, not just what to wear or what to eat but also the choice to be in love. We choose our life by one simple task, what we focus on with our mind. When you focus on something, you are putting your will toward it. You are telling the forces of nature to give me more of this. I see many singles put vision boards and affirmations to help them visualize what they want, but they do not attract love. Why? Because they are putting their focus and “will” on NOT being single, so they are getting what they are avoiding. With all of its complexities, the unconscious mind is sometimes very simple. It follows your focus. So, when you go online and see there are no men there for you and you get upset about it, you are focusing your attention on not finding someone. Instead of being happy for your friend who just got engaged, you focus on why it still hasn’t happened for you. Get the picture? You keep sending the forces of your mind in the direction of what you don’t want, what you don’t like and not on how things are going to work for you. The world is a reflection of the primary thoughts held in your mind.

You know the story. You have read the books and been to workshops galore. You had the healing and the breakthroughs and feel liberated and ready for love. You fall for the next guy or girl that comes along, thinking this is it. But...it isn't. After your heart breaks again, you wonder when you will ever graduate from personal growth and get it right. I was a big overachiever. I always got the best grades in class, handed in my homework first and excelled in everything except gym. I was a brain, not an athlete, and I was fine with being picked last for the team. I knew I sucked at kickball and made peace with that. When it came to racing my friends to the altar, I was dead last. So, I decided to dive into personal development and apply my brainpower to figure out why I was still single. I learned the deep philosophies and complexities of family dynamics. If there were a written test, I would have aced it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like school. You just cannot study your way to enlightenment, it is something you have to practice. The difficult part is that there is no graduation and you can be at a certain level and fall back ten steps like you were in kindergarten again. You give yourself an A when they call you and an F when you fall for the wrong one. The problem is that when things go wrong, you think YOU are wrong and that something is broken. The good news is that you can let go of the spiritual report card and surrender to being exactly where you are without judgment.

Have you ever felt puzzled (along with your good friends) as to why you haven’t met a special partner yet? You feel over-processed with all of your “issues” and you know why you attract unavailable partners or no dates at all, but still cannot break free to love. You wonder, “Am I destined to be alone?” I had the same frustration. It was driving me out of my mind. I knew I was relatively attractive and had a pretty good personality and wasn’t crazy, but still no man wanted me. I saw the guys I dated settle down with the next girl and I wondered, “Why didn’t he pick me?” We have this battle going on inside with the part of us that wants great love and the other part that is settling for crumbs. Usually the crumb-grabber wins because she is the loudest and the most emotional. This ego part of us wants more of the same. So, if heartache has been a familiar friend, she will pick Mr. Non-committal every time. What kept me single so long is that I gave crumb-grabber so much attention. I analyzed her, found her core beliefs, healed her wounds and played with her inner child. All these things were a great start, but there was an underlying message that I was broken and that idea that I was dysfunctional because I was single was what kept me stuck. If you come from a place of wounded-ness, you can never feel powerful. Even after some healings, you will still have a tendency to be overly protective and scared to open your heart. You would unconsciously be afraid to get wounded again. No visualization or vision board will help this.