Finding someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve

There is so much expectation when it comes to New Year’s eve celebrations. The pressure on single people is even stronger to make it a big night. They want to send off the past year of heartbreak and romantic misfortunes and see themselves as a success in love in the new year exclaiming, “this is going to be MY year.” Secretly, though, they dread the thought of standing alone at the stroke of midnight yet again.

I remember in my single days having anxiety over finding something to do on New Year’s eve so I wouldn’t have to spend it alone. Having plans was not a problem when I was younger and all my friends were single. As I grew into my thirties and my single friends started dropping like flies into marital bliss, finding a party companion became increasingly difficult. I always seemed to give out a sigh of relief when I finally had an invite to a party or ski weekend. I was comforted that I didn’t have to face the big night on my coach with old movies and a box of tissues feeling sorry for myself.

Getting to a party or event was the first step. Then, the pressure was on to find the guy who would give me my new year’s kiss. I would immediately scan the room for a suitable kissing partner. I started off the evening with high standards, but as the clock got closer to midnight I would settle for any straight man that looked good after a few glasses of champagne. Sometimes I would grab someone with five seconds left just in time to create that magical moment at twelve. At 12:01 am, I was ready to go home as if I made it through to the finish line. Another new year’s party, next year I will find him.

Looking back now I know that my efforts weren’t about kissing someone, but about the deep desire to belong and be a part of the couple world. My mind would trick me to believe that if I kissed someone at midnight that I would somehow be normal and not a big loser without a date. I exaggerated what New Year’s meant and how others perceived me if I was alone.

The holidays bring a lot of pressure to the single person. Finding a date for the office party, nosey aunts asking when you are going to settle down, the emotional triggers returning from old childhood wounds at the family dinner table, no wonder you just want to find something to make you feel better this time of year. The kiss at midnight becomes a symbol of somehow being back on top, in control of your life and lovable. I was using those random nameless guys to build myself up and the moment never really matched my romantic expectations.

Even if you aren’t a kissing bandit like me, what solace do you seek during the holidays to make you feel better? What lies do you tell yourself about this time of year that brings you anxiety? All of the suffering you experience comes from within your mind. Sure, it is natural for us to want to be connected with others and loved, but the mind can exaggerate the situation and make up images of a dreaded future of you being old and alone forever.

Instead of seeking someone random to kiss to cover up the pain, you can face the demons of your mind head on and stop believing the lies. First, start by being grateful for what you already have in your life (instead of what you don’t have yet). Then, realize that the book of your romantic life isn’t ending if you don’t have a date this new year’s eve but that it is just another passing chapter.

The next chapter can be written as you desire. To avoid a repeat year of heartache, start to focus forward instead of looking back and refrain from seeing your situation as unchanging. You are always changing and growing anyway, so don’t resist and allow new love to flow in to your experience.  The only thing that holds you back is your own mind telling you that things aren’t going to get better. What you believe becomes your reality, so what do you want to believe?

There is nothing wrong with being a kissing bandit on New Year’s eve or feeling down about being alone. It was my strong desire to find true love that led me on my own personal journey and ultimately the work I do today. I never gave up on the vision of meeting him, even though I had serious doubts along the way. This unsettled feeling actually serves you because your divine self wants you to have love, like an inner nudge that won’t cease. If you didn’t feel uncomfortable, you wouldn’t take risks or continue to search for the path to your ideal partner.

You may not be able to predict when your true love will arrive, but you do have a choice as to how you feel in the meantime. You can listen to the cranky doubter or you can listen to that inner cheerleader that tells you that true love is on the way. The doubter will give you what you have always got and settle for a random new year’s kiss, but the cheerleader will open doors to your romantic dreams fulfilled.

  • Grateful
    Posted at 05:00h, 01 January Reply

    This is a great message – and very important for this time of year.
    Thanks for so kindly sharing your experiences to help others.

    This ‘fear’ is perhaps shared by thousands (if not millions?) of people – around the world.
    Men as well as women feel it; and we then feel ashamed of feeling the fear.

    What makes it worse is – we may then feel we are the ‘only ones’ feeling this way? (!)

    Yet the irony is that half the people at a party or gathering – might be feeling a similar sense of fearful desperation, whether or not they are ‘part of a couple’ (people staying in surface relationships because they fear being alone etc).

    That uncomfortable feeling is indeed a good nudge – it’s sort of like a nudge from within ourselves, telling us that our ego is making up a false story (‘you are unloved because you’re not in a couple with someone by your side to show everyone else that you are loved worthy and deserving to be in the group’) which tricks us into judging/shaming ourselves (‘ fearing group rejection/abandonment?’).

    It is as though that inner uncomfortable feeling is tugging at us to say ‘hey – there is this judgment in your mind – and it’s false. You are loveable and accepted – regardless’.

    Thanks so much for writing this great article.

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