21 Jan Self improvement is keeping you from finding love
Since I was in my early twenties and caught five bouquets as a bridesmaid in one year, my mission has been to find what is stopping me from attracting my Mr. Right. My friend gave me Louise Hay’s book, “You can heal your life” and I was hooked on personal improvement work. You may even call it an addiction to my healing.
I was striving for this ideal state of being where I can finally be good enough, wise enough or healthy enough for someone to love me. Being a great student at school, I applied that same level of commitment and perseverance to my studies on my psyche. I figured if I worked hard enough at it, the benefits would pay off. After all, I knew I was a pretty smart person and I felt I could figure this out.
After years of trying to improve myself, I kept ending up in the same place emotionally. Relationships didn’t last and I was always the single person looking for love. The ache at times was so great I wondered how much I could bear. I didn’t want to do another forgive my father technique or release any more inner child wounds.
I was jealous of my friends who got engaged or who always seemed to have a boyfriend and wondered how they did it without applying all the effort I had on their own personal growth. Was I missing something important? Were they just smarter than me? Comparing myself to others only made me feel worse
My self-improvement addiction was finally broken when I came across the true teachings of eastern philosophy. I bypassed the watered-down versions from celebrity authors and went straight to the source. As I studied the foundational writings of the great sages, I was liberated because they never once mentioned healing, fixing or dysfunction. I didn’t need to heal my life; I had to understand the nature of the mind.
You see, the reason I was single wasn’t because of my father or my dorky teen years or my low self-esteem or that there was some unhealed part of me. What kept me in misery was the fact that I thought finding a person would somehow make me better, more worthy or more valuable in society.
Then, I used that same thinking and applied it to self-help healing so I could “improve” myself to be better, more worthy or more valuable. I was stuck in the mind-trap of never good enough that I could never escape. I wasn’t good enough until I found a person, but then couldn’t find a person until I was good enough. Madness!
When I finally let go of trying to be better and relaxed into just being me, I met Roberto in a few short weeks. Granted, it took me almost twenty years to finally get it, but once I did everything changed. I want everyone to escape the healing addiction.
Where in your life are you waiting to improve yourself so you can get what you want? Do you beat yourself up if a relationship doesn’t work out and feel if you were only better that something would have been different? Do you think he left you for her because she was better than you? Do you compare yourself to others to see how you measure up?
This doesn’t mean that you don’t need to grow and expand your life. On the contrary, escaping the healing and fixing trap gives you more freedom to grow. You can then come from the divine creative mind of oneness where you get a blank slate of unlimited potential rather than a half-healed person who is patching up a wound and still limping along with limitations and fear, hoping that someone will come along to save you.
I invite you today to think about your life. Look at your current circumstance as feedback showing what you believe is possible and not a personal reflection of your worthiness or unhealed places. Then be open to know that what you create in life is mostly unconscious. You don’t need to heal anything, just make it conscious so you can have a choice.
What if you stop waiting for the external to demonstrate how worthy you are and just relax being you? Embrace the dork, the relationship blunders, the wonderful, the beautiful and (maybe sometimes) wacky you. Understand the nature of your mind is to look for problems and healing the mind is like trying to catch the wind. Transport yourself above the noise to hear the voice of love inside that is standing by waiting for your attention.
Stop looking for the stamp of approval from out there and access your inner love voice to give you all you need. This takes some practice to get into a new habit, but as you become more aware of the nature of your mind you can direct it to create the life you want.