When you aren’t getting the results you want in love, the tendency is to focus on what is wrong. You may have been told that you need to work on your “blocks” so you can find love, but this approach actually works against you. You will get caught up in a never-ending cycle of fixing and go down a rabbit hole of despair feeling you are never going to “get it.” By looking at yourself as broken or wrong, your mind expands and magnifies what you focus on. Just like when you are looking to buy a new car and find one you like, all of a sudden you start to see that car everywhere on the road. That is why you feel so exhausted in self-help, you keep focusing on what you don’t want. You are a creative being and your mind can either work with you or against you depending on where you focus it. I am not saying that there isn’t something inside that is stopping you from finding love, but let’s stop calling them blocks. Every human being was born into an insecure world and created a safety-zone for their emotional state to help them survive in the world. This process is the function of a normal, healthy mind, not a block or pathology. As a society, we’ve been trained not to get too close, not trust the opposite sex and to feel as though life is tough and hard, filled with problems and struggle. Everyone has shut off the heart to some degree just by being alive. Of course, you can have surface relationships in this state and that is why relationships fail so easily and the divorce rate is over 60%.

One thing that I know for sure is that we were born with the power of choice. Most people don’t realize that everything in life is a choice, not just what to wear or what to eat but also the choice to be in love. We choose our life by one simple task, what we focus on with our mind. When you focus on something, you are putting your will toward it. You are telling the forces of nature to give me more of this. I see many singles put vision boards and affirmations to help them visualize what they want, but they do not attract love. Why? Because they are putting their focus and “will” on NOT being single, so they are getting what they are avoiding. With all of its complexities, the unconscious mind is sometimes very simple. It follows your focus. So, when you go online and see there are no men there for you and you get upset about it, you are focusing your attention on not finding someone. Instead of being happy for your friend who just got engaged, you focus on why it still hasn’t happened for you. Get the picture? You keep sending the forces of your mind in the direction of what you don’t want, what you don’t like and not on how things are going to work for you. The world is a reflection of the primary thoughts held in your mind.

You know the story. You have read the books and been to workshops galore. You had the healing and the breakthroughs and feel liberated and ready for love. You fall for the next guy or girl that comes along, thinking this is it. But...it isn't. After your heart breaks again, you wonder when you will ever graduate from personal growth and get it right. I was a big overachiever. I always got the best grades in class, handed in my homework first and excelled in everything except gym. I was a brain, not an athlete, and I was fine with being picked last for the team. I knew I sucked at kickball and made peace with that. When it came to racing my friends to the altar, I was dead last. So, I decided to dive into personal development and apply my brainpower to figure out why I was still single. I learned the deep philosophies and complexities of family dynamics. If there were a written test, I would have aced it. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like school. You just cannot study your way to enlightenment, it is something you have to practice. The difficult part is that there is no graduation and you can be at a certain level and fall back ten steps like you were in kindergarten again. You give yourself an A when they call you and an F when you fall for the wrong one. The problem is that when things go wrong, you think YOU are wrong and that something is broken. The good news is that you can let go of the spiritual report card and surrender to being exactly where you are without judgment.