When you aren’t getting the results you want in love, the tendency is to focus on what is wrong. You may have been told that you need to work on your “blocks” so you can find love, but this approach actually works against you. You will get caught up in a never-ending cycle of fixing and go down a rabbit hole of despair feeling you are never going to “get it.” By looking at yourself as broken or wrong, your mind expands and magnifies what you focus on. Just like when you are looking to buy a new car and find one you like, all of a sudden you start to see that car everywhere on the road. That is why you feel so exhausted in self-help, you keep focusing on what you don’t want. You are a creative being and your mind can either work with you or against you depending on where you focus it. I am not saying that there isn’t something inside that is stopping you from finding love, but let’s stop calling them blocks. Every human being was born into an insecure world and created a safety-zone for their emotional state to help them survive in the world. This process is the function of a normal, healthy mind, not a block or pathology. As a society, we’ve been trained not to get too close, not trust the opposite sex and to feel as though life is tough and hard, filled with problems and struggle. Everyone has shut off the heart to some degree just by being alive. Of course, you can have surface relationships in this state and that is why relationships fail so easily and the divorce rate is over 60%.

One thing that I know for sure is that we were born with the power of choice. Most people don’t realize that everything in life is a choice, not just what to wear or what to eat but also the choice to be in love. We choose our life by one simple task, what we focus on with our mind. When you focus on something, you are putting your will toward it. You are telling the forces of nature to give me more of this. I see many singles put vision boards and affirmations to help them visualize what they want, but they do not attract love. Why? Because they are putting their focus and “will” on NOT being single, so they are getting what they are avoiding. With all of its complexities, the unconscious mind is sometimes very simple. It follows your focus. So, when you go online and see there are no men there for you and you get upset about it, you are focusing your attention on not finding someone. Instead of being happy for your friend who just got engaged, you focus on why it still hasn’t happened for you. Get the picture? You keep sending the forces of your mind in the direction of what you don’t want, what you don’t like and not on how things are going to work for you. The world is a reflection of the primary thoughts held in your mind.

Many women dream of the handsome prince arriving to take her away from the evil stepmother of corporate America or the lonely tower of gloom. Romantic comedies, poetry and even Tom Cruise with his “you complete me” message has given singles the idea that happiness is on the other side of meeting that special person. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner or marriage or children. We are social creatures and designed to have love and valuable relationships with each other. In the movie, “Out in the Wild,” the main character realizes at the end that true happiness is shared with others. Your desire for love and a more complete life is right on target. But a partner isn’t the sole solution of life’s woes and is not responsible for giving you a life. Imagine meeting someone and having that burden placed on you. Being someone’s everything is so much pressure. The best thing you can do for a lasting relationship is to be happy before you get involved. You know this, you have heard this before but how can you be happy if the one thing you want in your life is missing? Believe me, I know it isn’t easy when your heart aches for true love but the truth is that you aren’t aching for what you think. There is something deeper, a void that you feel inside that can never been filled by anyone but you.