29 Dec The Burden of Trust in Relationships
One of the biggest causes of problems in relationships is the lack of trust. Let’s face it. We’ve all been let down in life with disappointments from our parents, siblings, peers, business partners, first loves and other subsequent romantic relationships. Most of the time, the loss of trust had little to do with what the person actually did but your perception of their action and personalizing the experience.
Trust is an interesting idea because it implies that the other person has to act or be a certain way for you to feel good about yourself. When they don’t act according to your rules, they are betrayers, liars, cheaters or just bad people who have hurt you on purpose. The betrayer’s character image in your mind is tainted and you cannot see their real self because of your clouded projection.
The trust defense mechanism helped you survive when you were growing up and kept you away from dangerous situations. The problem is that often the trust-radar is on overdrive and it is a clever way the ego uses to prevent you from getting too close to people or moving forward in life in love and success. Always on the lookout for them to drop from glory, the ego will find even the tiniest infraction example to shut down the trust wall and make you run the other way.
If you have a hard time trusting people, the first thing to you must become conscious of is that you are projecting your past experience onto them. You don’t enter relationships with a clean slate, you are always dragging along your past baggage. In long term relationships (family and friends as well), their image is so tainted with your judgments that you don’t give them a chance to be different.
Highly critical people are often distrustful because they are so hard on themselves. The more you have compassion for others and their misgivings, the kinder you are to yourself when you make mistakes.
Second, don’t make assumptions that your life rules are their rules. Even moral rules such as fidelity, loyalty and honesty can be gray areas open to interpretation.
You place a heavy burden on others with your expectations, especially when you do not communicate them. So many great relationships are destroyed because of assumptions and simple misunderstandings.
Third, accept that that no one is responsible for making you happy or taking care of you. Many times trust is betrayed when you project an ideal so high on someone that they cannot possibly live up to and are bound to fall from grace eventually. You had that experience with your parents. They were Gods until they punished you for the first time. You either think too high of people or too low of people, but you rarely approach a relationship knowing they are human and capable of making honest mistakes.
Lastly, remember that you are divine intelligence and only the ego looks to measure trust with others for protection. The divine in you can never be destroyed, hurt or damaged. The ego doesn’t see that the judgments you have on everyone you meet is a reflection of your own mind. If you know yourself, you will learn to trust yourself stop approaching relationships with fearful trepidation but through the mind of love and possibility.
Instead of trusting in the worst in people, why not trust in the best of them? When you feel slighted in any way in a relationship, take a step back and see the whole person as divine instead of through their human conditioning. Imagine the person trying their best and not intending any harm toward you. If you can see their innate goodness, you will see that kindness and love in yourself as well.