What does your personal development work say about your love life?

How you do your personal work is how you do relationships?

Are you Passive, an extremist or Half-Committed?
So many people don’t see the patterns that keep them stuck in their love life even when they are right in front of them. To discover what is truly in the way of your ideal partner coming into your life, you can look at other areas and how you relate to yourself and others that give a huge clue.

One place to start is with your relationship with yourself and others when doing personal development. Every workshop, teacher, coach or class you interact with is a reflection of you and how you do relationships. When I coach with someone personally, I actually get a feel for how others react to them in their love life. I can sense how they are acting with me and the process which gives me the insight to share with them HOW they are being so they can see where they are stuck.

If you don’t have a coach, here are some examples of how you do personal development and how it shows up in dating and relationships:

1. The passive one. You aren’t making an effort, always looking for some quick fix with minimal emotional involvement. You may even feel afraid of looking deeper or invest too much in yourself because you doubt that anything can help you. You never really try so you can justify why you don’t get anywhere in love.

  • How it shows up in love:   You meet people who won’t go deeper either. You wait passively for divine timing or when your astrology says the time is right. You think that love isn’t meant for you anymore. You got hurt too many times and you just want to wait and hope for things to change.  But…they never do.

2.  The Extremist. You go full-on into every workshop, coaching program, class you take. You get really excited and hopeful each time you try something new. You jump from program to program hoping that THIS will be the ONE. You do the work to GET the man without valuing the journey. You get caught up in fixing yourself so you can reach the finish line but you end up feeling worse.  You are trying too hard and getting the opposite result because as you do the programs you hold fear and anxiety and forget how wonderful you already are.

  • How it shows up in love: You jump into relationships and try SO hard to make them work. Every NEW person is “the one” for you and you try to force it to a commitment. You are filled with fear and anxiety when you meet someone. You lose your ground and feel if you can just get him/her to commit, everything will be okay. You may tend to attract men/women who do the same to you. They try really hard at first even when they hardly know you. They are in love with the idea of finding someone/anyone more than seeing you.

3.  The Half-Committed. You jump in with full force and give up quickly. It takes you a long time to make a decision and then you change your mind frequently. You have a hate/love relationship with the process. You love it when things seem to be going your way and you easily give up when the first obstacle arises. You blame external (the workshop, life, the coach, the teacher) instead of looking inside. When faced with deeper issues, you run away. You resent having to do personal development work and you doubt if anything will help you because you keep looking outside for results before they have time to manifest.

  • How it shows up in love. You change your decisions often about whether someone is good for you or whether you should go back to your ex.  You get angry easily at the universe and the men you date. You believe life isn’t fair. You aren’t clear of what you want and if you can consciously create your life.  The men/women you attract are half-committed too. They just can’t seem to make up their minds about you or whether they want a relationship.

Solution:  Design your ideal relationship (not the ideal persona of who you want to attract). Describe how you want to be treated, how you want to feel and how you want to live.  Then, approach everything in life (your work, your friendships, your personal development process) as YOU want to be treated yourself. If you want a commitment, then commit to yourself, if you want someone to make an effort with you, then make an effort for yourself.  As you make this shift in your mind and behavior, you will start to see others mirror back to you how you deserve to be treated.

You always get back what you put out. That is the law of karma. So, what will you put out today?


  • Pris
    Posted at 08:21h, 29 August Reply

    Thank you for the video, Debi.
    However, I took risk to go for this particular guy but end up getting hurt. I kept thinking I did something wrong and kept blaming myself until recently I felt better.

  • Kat
    Posted at 13:29h, 29 August Reply

    Hmmm, I don’t know where I fit in. I spent years plugging at personal development programs, reading books, paying for coaching and giving my all to love coach programs (some of which are very highly regarded and not at all cheap!). Nothing in my external world changed even though I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone. After trying for nearly a decade, I can say that I’ve now given up.

    I don’t say this to be a downer and I do believe in other people’s dreams for love, but I have to wonder, are some of us just meant to be single in this lifetime because it serves a higher purpose? I’m 28 and for the past several months I’ve made peace with the idea of being without a husband/partner in this lifetime, but with that, my desire for a relationship has dramatically faded too. Do you believe this could be per-destined? Thanks.

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 13:42h, 29 August Reply

      Maybe you feel you give your all to relationships too and nothing is returned. That is the mirror. As you do one thing is how you do everything. Trying too hard in love and in these programs will give you the opposite result. The problem with most programs is that they don’t address your deep world view. If you don’t believe you have control, you will work hard and get no result b/c you believe there is another dictating your destiny. What keeps people stuck is they think they have to FIX themselves to find love, you just have to become conscious of the unconscious part of you that is choosing to be single. Then it shouldn’t be hard at all.

  • Elle
    Posted at 02:07h, 06 September Reply

    Thank you! I can recognize here some quite familiar patterns. I´ve spended many years on fixing and healing and becoming aware and letting go of my unconscious patterns and beliefs about love and relationships. But i´m still single and confused. What to do and not to to?! It all seems to be too complicated…
    Yes! That´s another pattern – Relationships are hard and complicated, yes, it´s my experience so far! Is it really enough to simply become concious?

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 10:30h, 06 September Reply

      The relationships are simply a mirror of what is going on inside of you – your relationship with yourself. Once you are conscious of how you are pushing love away, you stop doing it and it flows into your life. It isn’t about fixing or healing but becoming aware of yourself. Talk to one of our love coaches and find the way. It is hard to do this on your own.

  • Mariana
    Posted at 12:41h, 06 November Reply

    this exercise made me realize I was not treating me with respect, and not being calm to find love.

    So is it like , being aware of how we treat ourselves, what we believe in our minds?

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 12:52h, 06 November Reply

      How you treat yourself is how everyone will treat you. Yes!

  • Mariana
    Posted at 05:53h, 10 November Reply

    Can you give us an example of what we are allowed to expect fro a true loving partnership?
    I’m asking this because as many women are USED to settling for less, having chemestry with men who reject us,etc, then we kind of don’t know what things we are capable of having. People around us always say that relationships are never perfect, that there will be fights, disagreements, even cheating (here in brazil) is accepted as “normal” ! So what can we desire, and not be iluded at the same time???

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