Why Love Pushes Some People Away

Have you ever experienced getting close to someone and suddenly, without warning, they create some sort of drama and fall out of your life? This happens with dates, friendships and even clients. You beat yourself up wishing you could have done something different and you blame yourself for their leaving. It isn’t your fault; you just experienced their “Intimacy Defense.”

When people are hurt at a young age by someone they trusted to keep them safe, they build a powerful defense from allowing anyone to get that close again. They desperately want connection, but when they bump up against the breaking point when they really start to care about you, something triggers in them to remind them of their old hurt and they run.

When they experience unconditional love and acceptance, instead of feeling good, they unconsciously interpret it as a threat to their survival. They find excuses to quit or run away by rationalizing with silly stories and making it your fault. They associate closeness with pain. Putting up the protective barriers not only cushions them from reliving the old pain but also closes them off to love.

The person who leaves has to project the problem onto you to avoid facing their own fears and preserving their ego. They justify their escape by making up exaggerated claims of mistakes you made or promises you didn’t keep. In a desperate attempt to justify their abandonment, they are forced to bend the truth to fit to their own agenda.

What is sad is that they will burn through friends, family and colleagues and never really get close to anyone. They play the victim but they are acting through their own self-punishment. The defense is so unconscious that they don’t even realize what they are doing.

To try to rationalize with a person like this is futile because their ego is so clever they are so convinced the problem is with you, not them. Instead of getting angry, see them as scared people. They must have gone through some tough hurts to be so defensive and afraid of love. Have compassion for them.

If you understand WHY it is happening you can stop beating yourself up about it. Don’t close down like them. Continue to open your heart knowing you did nothing wrong but present a loving opportunity to go deeper intimately in a relationship.

If you find yourself doing this to others, examine your fears of intimacy and the unconscious assumptions that have been made around relationships. If this is a pattern, you can change it by going toward the fear and seeing that there is no real threat to love.

In dating and coach/client relationships, there is always a level of intimacy that gets created. You are not responsible for the other person’s fears or projections. Some people are evolved enough to accept responsibility and transcend their fears. Your openness can be a catalyst for a breakthrough that will change all relationships in their life.

Unfortunately not everyone is ready to move past the Intimacy Defense, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down your heart and stop sharing all of who you are. As you continue to stay open, people who are ready to receive the exchange of love will flow into your life.


Have you experienced this? Write a comment below and share what you think!

  • Western Starland
    Posted at 11:26h, 20 November Reply

    I’m the one with Intimacy Defense. It’s tough to overcome.

    • Debi Berndt
      Posted at 11:31h, 20 November Reply

      Yes, if you don’t transcend your ego which is holding the defense in place. The Creative Mind Process helps you individuate from the ego-conditioning so you aren’t just re-arranging habits but completely transcending them to become the love that you are.

    Posted at 20:13h, 20 November Reply

    I recently had my heart broken by a childhood crush, I thought I could trust. He was abandoned by his mother before the age of 8 and has never really been able to get intimate with anyone. I was abandoned by my biological father at birth, and then again, by my step father at age 10. I allowed men to use me and my first love (the one I gave my virginity to) did not love me at all, even though I was obsessed with him. I have been married to a wonderful man for 18 years (together for 21). Our marriage has just recently evolved into a healthy one in which we are both trying to grow through our pains and shortcomings. Prior to this, there was yet another betrayal…and I chose to have an affair with Mr. heartbreak Sept 2014 – Nov 2014 it was amazing. The chemistry was off the chart. We spoke everyday often times 2 and 3 times a day. December 29th he started a new job that is very demanding on his time in addition to keeping his prior job on a part time basis. He pretty much works at least one of his jobs 7 days a week…oftentimes, working both jobs at least 4 days a weeks and averages getting 4-6 hrs of sleep per night. Every since the new job started, we fell off. I see where I became very needy of him and I know it contributed to his no longer finding me attractive (not physically…but overall). I am crushed and have been unable to get over this, almost a year later. My husband had remained by my side and has even been very supportive and instrumental in trying to help heal my broken heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loves me…and on some level, I love him too…but simply cannot understand why I feel such a strong desire to have Mr. Heartbreak want me again. My husband adores me, does everything in his power to please me, take care of me and make my life easier…so why don’t I just go back to loving him the way I once did and leave Mr. Heartbreak alone???

  • Laura L. Smith
    Posted at 21:29h, 18 March Reply

    I still know men that you have described. All I do is send them love, peace, and healing. This is what they need. I, myself, am a content, secure, and appreciative person who never feels lonely. This is because I have the love of God, the seven angels, and my guides around me. And because I like and love who I am and live in moment with appreciation and love, I do not attract dysfunctional people to me. After all… when we let go of the ego that keeps us trapped in a world that is not real, we will not move forward into a spiritual understanding of love.

  • Frank
    Posted at 01:42h, 29 July Reply

    You could certainly see your expertise in the work you write.
    The arena hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid
    to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.

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